


five times klaus showed up naked

by ObliqueOptimism



Series: five times fics (mostly about klaus if we're being honest about ourselves, which we are) [7]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: 5 Times, Gen, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Not Beta Read, Sober Klaus Hargreeves, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2020-07-22
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:20:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24341950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ObliqueOptimism/pseuds/ObliqueOptimism
Summary: Five times that Klaus showed up naked, or near enough that it counted. Sadly, it happened more than five times, but here are some of those times.
Series: five times fics (mostly about klaus if we're being honest about ourselves, which we are) [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1528235
Comments: 125
Kudos: 303





	1. breakfast is the most important meal of the day, or so he’s been told, and just because he’s been awake for about four days now doesn’t mean it counts as one day right? it still counts as four separate days?

**Author's Note:**

> hello there! 
> 
> did you know this is my 69th tua fic? and that there are 69 days until season two? if any fic is my 69th one it _had_ to be this one. because i'm funny like that.
> 
> so much thanks to rem for helping me so much with this chapter. you're the best beeloved.

So _maybe_ he hadn’t slept. But that didn’t mean he should miss out on breakfast. It may not be his first meal after waking up but when he hasn’t slept in ??? he didn’t know how long, he may as well eat when Grace said breakfast was ready.

Time to get ready though, can’t go down and deal with his family _like this_ so he snorted another line of coke and followed it up with a fun little mystery pill. 

Ready to go!

He made his way out of his room and then found himself at the bottom of the stairs. Maybe he learned how to do Five’s power now that Five had left. That would be nice, to have a useful and nice power. Bonus, Five’s power always seemed fun.

And he must, as he was just as quickly at the dining room, looking at the table where most of his siblings were.

Five hadn’t arrived yet. 

He honestly didn’t notice the silence upon his arrival. And why would he? The drugs were singing in his veins. He idly noted that they looked at him; but that was because he arrived, right? God he hoped that he hadn’t gotten a nose bleed after his last line of coke.

Shrugging to himself, he made his way to the table and sat down, ready to eat. He wasn’t very hungry, but he was aware enough that he knew he shouldn’t pass up on free food. Not when he’d been out last night, not eating food since breakfast or lunch the previous day. 

Ben turned to him, ready to say something when Reggie came in, not looking at them, instead sitting down and opening his newspaper, ignoring his kids as he typically did at meal times. Ben closed his mouth but leaned towards Klaus, as if to nudge him and say something anyway when--

Reginald seemed to have a power of his own, a shitty dad sense that tingled whenever his kids were going to be decent to each other, because he lowered his newspaper to stare at Klaus and Ben. 

Klaus froze, a bit of bacon halfway to his mouth. 

“Number Six,” Reggie narrowed his eyes, “what do you think you were--” His gaze slid towards Klaus, “Number Four, _what on Earth?_ Where are your clothes?”

Klaus then quickly took stock of himself, looking down, past his bacon and sure enough, _there was his dick_. Hello there! 

Was that what Ben was going to mention? Not a nosebleed? Thank fuck, he’d rather deal with an ass out look than a bloody face look. One was much preferable than the other. 

Reggie cleared his throat.

Klaus looked back towards his dad, “I’ll be honest with you, Reg. I don’t fully know where I am let alone where my clothes are. I mean really, what are clothes anyway? Which ones are _mine_? You expect me to keep track of things that _go on my body_ when I can’t even keep track of my body?” He waved his hand around, the bacon still in his grip, and gave a small pout, “I don’t even think it’s all arrived yet.” 

Reggie tilted his head, “All of your physical body has arrived, I assure you, Number Four. Your mental capabilities, it seems, has been left in the alley you whored yourself out in last night to get your drugs.”

Klaus blinked slowly, “ _Excuse you!_ I did not whore myself out last night. I bought those drugs fair and square with that little gold man riding a horse from the library in the west wing.” He heard Ben let out a big sigh next to him.

Reggie looked Klaus over with a critical eye, Klaus wondered what he saw. Also what was up with that monocle? Was Reg more blind in one eye? What is the point other than to _look like that_. 

Oh shit a monocle would elevate his own outfit, or lack thereof!

He should steal it.

“If you were any of your other siblings with the smallest amount of respect for themself or others, letting you sit in your filth would be punishment enough. As it is, that is only punishment for the rest of us,” Reggie started. Which was just rude, how was seeing his fabulous self a punishment for the rest of them? If anything, it was a treat. “Grace, take away his food. Number Four, you will sit here and wait until the rest of us are done eating and you will try to gather the rest of your mental capabilities for your private training that has been pushed up in schedule.” 

Before Grace could come and take it, he quickly shoved the bacon in his mouth but wasn’t able to save anything else on the plate. “Shouldn’t I take this time to go hide my dick? Can’t scare those ghosts. _Scandalous!_ ”

Klaus could see the little devil horns on his dad as he leaned forward slightly, “No. You shall remain as you are for your private training, Number Four.” 

Klaus giggled, “Your horns are growing out of your eyebrows.” When Reggie raised an eyebrow in distaste the horn that resided on it rose as well which was _hilarious_. Klaus only giggled more at the sight.


	2. he’s been listening to the how to save a life by the fray on repeat and y’know what? now he’s ready to save a life so its great news that the mission alarm is going off

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i have a headache and no one else has read this chapter to make sure its any good so it may not be who knows i don't but i hope it is? i have my doubts but thats besides the point.

So maybe he’d been hotboxing his room as well as having a few other fun drugs. But how was he to know he’d be needed for a mission? It wasn’t like they were called out every day. They’d gone out the day before, so Klaus thought he didn’t need to worry. Crime could take a nice deserved break, as could he.

But when he finally registered the alarm he wasn’t sure how long it had been going off. Possibly a while, there was his mom gently knocking at the door, calling his name to make sure he was getting ready to head out. Honestly he didn’t want to get ready and go but if he refused it probably meant one of Reg’s punishments and those were to be avoided.

He still sometimes remembered the time when he got put in the mausoleum while naked. It hadn’t been fun after the high wore off, much colder than usual. 

Klaus went to put his uniform on, possibly getting distracted as he did, but eventually he did, he was sure of it, so he went to the hallway so he could let the others know he was ready and they could all leave now!

“I’m ready!” Klaus called out, exiting his room and being sure to close the door after him to not let more smoke escape. Chances were he was surrounded by some, as if a movie villain with special effects! So cool!

“Klaus,” Luther sounded disappointed. 

“Big guy!” Klaus cheered, hoping to make Luther smile. It would go better if Luther was in a good mood, maybe then he wouldn’t notice how high Klaus was.

He was _very_ high.

“Leave him,” Diego said, walking past Klaus. “He’s too high.”

Klaus frowned, “Am not.”

Ben came up and patted him on the arm, it was very warm. “Go lay down Klaus. We’ve got this without you.”

“But I--”

“You’re in lacy underwear, practically naked,” Luther said. “Whatever you think is happening, it isn’t. Just-- Just go lay down and sober up.” He turned towards Diego and Ben, away from Klaus, “We can’t trust him anymore anyway, remember how yesterday went?”

Yesterday went fine.

Right? Did he miss something?

He didn’t remember the mission going to shit, so it didn’t? And Reggie didn’t punish him like he tended to, so it was fine wasn’t it? He had been on lookout and not in the action and maybe a little high, nothing like today but he was ready today!

He could do it! Just let him go and put his uniform on _for real_. (He could have sworn he had put it on and not his new pretty panties.)

Suddenly there was a warm blanket wrapped around him and Ben in front, “Go lay down in my room, sleep it off. We’ll be back soon.

Klaus grumbled but went on into Ben’s room and got comfortable. Luther had been guarding Klaus’s door anyway and he thought he heard them open it and complain about the amount of smoke as they left.

Grace showed up and tucked him into Ben’s bed. “Next time you can go out and play with the others, we can make sure you’re sober for that!” She smiled.

Klaus grumbled, he didn’t want to go on missions anyway. It was better this way. If he stayed high enough he wouldn’t have to go on any again. 

He woke later to Ben in the room, Klaus moved over so they could snuggle in his bed but Ben just gave him a sad smile, shook his head, and then walked through a wall.

Klaus shrugged, figuring he was still so high that he only thought Ben had walked through a wall.

He was wrong.


	3. there’s a snake in his boot! the snake stole it and is probably wearing it and also stole everything else from him so go out and get all stabby at the snake please and thank

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why wait for tomorrow to update?

Klaus shivered as he stumbled down the alley, stepping on rocks and glass and who knew what else. He wrapped his arms around himself, going to what was sometimes a safe haven for him. Ideally this time it would be again. Ben seemed to think so, he’d suggested going to Diego’s even though last time he’d seen Diego he’d yelled and said he never wanted to see Klaus again.

But Diego wouldn’t throw him out in the state he was in, surely?

Thankfully it was late, or early, depending on how you looked at it. When he broke into the gym no one else would be there. Alas, when he broke in this time he’d probably have to break a window with a rock and ideally he could reach the door handle through a broken window. Otherwise he’ll have to break a bigger window and climb through broken glass while naked. 

Ben did not want him to crawl through glass while naked but Ben didn’t always get what he wanted as it was the second option Thankfully before he had time to pull himself through the window, Diego’s scowling face greeted him, “No.”

“Diego!” Klaus bit his bottom lip and gave his most innocent eyes. 

Diego looked him up and down and then sighed, “Meet me at the door.”

Klaus waved HELLO as Diego opened the door, his GOOD BYE wrapped around his torso to try and keep warm, not that it was helping much. “You got booze?” He ignored Ben’s pointed look.

 _“Why are you naked?”_ Diego asked instead of answering, letting Klaus inside. 

“Maybe I passed out and someone stole everything from me,” Klaus said, walking towards Diego’s boiler room, intending to get his hands on some of his alcohol.

“What a nice way to phrase things,” Ben grumbled.

“Yeah? They give you those bruises and cuts as they stole from you?” Diego’s voice was hard.

Klaus opened the cabinets until he found what he wanted, “Never said I passed out from drugs.” As he took a sip from the bottle, Diego put a blanket around his shoulders.

“You hurt bad anywhere?” Diego’s face was scrunched in worry. He looked like a grumpy kitten. It was _adorable_. “You should shower. My first aid kit is kept stocked pretty well.”

Ben snorted in amusement.

“I have no doubt,” Klaus held the blanket tight around him as he shivered and took his first proper drink of hard liquor. Fuckers took his drugs along with his boots.

And everything else.

He was going to be coming down very soon. Glancing to a hiding spot, he hoped Diego hadn’t found the drugs Klaus had stashed there the last time he visited. He would have gone to a dealer before Diego’s but he didn’t really think his dealer would appreciate him showing up naked. 

Not that Diego did, but he was more used to it.

“They even stole your underwear?” Diego made a face.

“I’ll be honest with you, not sure when those got lost. Possibly they did steal it, just as possible I left it with the lovely people I was with last night.” Walk of shame? Klaus didn’t know her. 

“I’m fairly certain you haven't had underwear in a week at least,” Ben replied, voice disappointed. Klaus rolled his eyes at him. Who needed undies? Not him, no matter what Ben thought.

Diego tried to pull the bottle away from Klaus but he held on tight and let out a long and high pitched whine, “Fine! Keep it! I was just going to hold onto it while you shower.”

“And replace her with apple juice!” Klaus narrowed his eyes and pointed, “I know your game. Camil will be showering with me.”

“Camil?”

“Yes, I’ve named her,” Klaus held the bottle close to his chest. “We’re in love.”

“Whatever, weirdo,” Diego looked like he was trying to hide a smile. “Just go take a shower. I’ll let you have some of my clothes.”

“All your clothes are _boring_. Birthday suit?” Klaus suggested, joking. He knew he’d need some clothes when he left Diego’s. Not many people appreciated him when he showed up naked. Got naked later? Sure. Showed up? Not as much.

Both of his brothers said his name at the same time, both just as scandalized. Honestly, neither of them should be scandalized. 

Eventually he got ushered to the shower and he did take Camil with him. When he got out, Ben was standing over the pile of clothes waiting for him.

“But what if,” Klaus started, “I showed up to his stupid little room naked? _How fun!_ ”

“Klaus--”

“Now I intend to take his clothes, and he said _have_ and not _borrow_ earlier so they are mine now, but just picture his face,” Klaus said, gathering the clothes in his arms, planning on leaving them just outside his boiler room. 

Diego looked up, unsurprised, when Klaus opened the door, fully naked. “Oh good, now you don’t need to undress for me to treat your wounds.”

Klaus glared, “Why aren’t you throwing a fit? Look! Penis!”

“I see,” Diego said, tone flat. “It’s not that new or impressive. Why would I comment on something I’ve seen at least once a week growing up?”

“Because you missed it?” Klaus suggested.

Diego did not look impressed, “Please tell me you didn’t shove my clothes down a toilet or set them on fire.”

 _“Those were options?!”_ Klaus exclaimed.

“No,” Diego said.

Diego ended up getting Klaus to sit down so he could treat his wounds and then Klaus got dressed. He faked being asleep long enough for Diego to actually fall asleep so that he could check his hiding spot.

He grinned at the drugs he found there and ignored Ben as he swallowed a few pills before putting the stash back.

After that he finished off Camil and got back on the sofa, going to sleep, wondering how he’d end up losing this pair of boxers Diego gave him.


	4. shut up it is not his fault that he is only in a towel and a coat and nothing else okay if it was up to him he’d have pants on, just so he could take them right back off, hey sexy how you doing?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 61 characters left to the chapter title  
> dang  
> so close and yet so far
> 
> sorry for how short this chapter is

Klaus had very much not enjoyed the torture. Nor did he enjoy the forced withdrawal, the flashbacks, the anxiety, having to talk to the dead beyond Ben, having to deal with Ben jumping on the torture Klaus train and verbally tearing him to shreds as Klaus fought of a flashback or--

Really Klaus just had some shitty days.

And he got out, he got away and he thought things were looking up and he’d get some money or at least something to pawn but _instead_ he was sitting in a towel and his coat on the ground staring up at a beautiful man. 

Klaus wouldn’t mind too much, being naked in front of this stranger, especially on a normal day. But Klaus felt like shit for reasons already listed. Only before he could ask the stranger where he could go get cleaned up, _hell_ , he’ll deal with a damp towel or moist towelette from KFC, _bombs_ started going off and suddenly there was more men and yelling and pants were shoved at him and--

It was all a bit much.

On top of the shitty time he’d been having.

The next thing he knew, he was on a bus and the man from before was leaning forward, introducing himself. 

_Dave._

“So uh, can I ask?” Dave started, moving to sit next to Klaus. 

Klaus looked down and yes, he did still have his pants on. That was a good sign. “Ask away.”

“Uh, trying to think of how to word this,” Dave said, almost sheepish.

“No need to beat around the bush, just hit me with it,” Klaus made a ‘come at me’ hand gesture.

“How’d you get in the middle of camp without pants? Was someone hazing you?” Dave questioned.

Klaus paused, that would be a decent lie. At least until they asked who was doing the hazing, “Uh, it’s a long story.”

“Oh, yeah. You don’t have to share,” Dave said quickly. “But I did see a lot of blood. Are you alright?”

Klaus nodded absently, “Sure.” He was not, but he sure wasn’t about to tell this stranger that.

“Well, uh, maybe don’t make a habit of being naked around camp? Not only are we, y’know, at war, but the other guys may think you’re a fairy,” Dave suggested. 

“And if I am a fairy?” Klaus asked, voice light. 

Dave glanced away before looking back, “I’d have no problem with it. But others may, uh--”

“Beat around the bush?” Klaus let out a sharp smirk and then a genuine laugh when Dave blushed. “Thanks for the tip, Dave.”

The issue soon became how easy it was to get drugs at war along with the fact that he just--

He liked to be naked sometimes.

Especially when high.

And it wouldn’t be unheard of for him to be high and naked and not realize it and try and walk out of the tent in the morning and Dave would have to wrangle him in clothes, “You’re worse than my nephew and he’s two.”

“Well I’m Four!” Klaus stuck his tongue out. 

The time he walked into the captain’s tent while naked almost went poorly but thankfully Klaus had enough of his wits around him that he was able to take one look at the map and the little stand up troops on the table and before anyone could speak up or throw him out, he acted as if being naked was expected of him as he launched into an idea for an attack plan.

They ended up ignoring his dick and going with his plan.

A win win.

The best time Klaus had while naked at war was when it was just him and Dave, in a motel, sneaking out of camp, holding each other.

Klaus had spent a lot of time naked in his life, some of the time knowingly and sometimes it was just as much as a surprise to him as it was to the others, but he’d never felt as exposed as he did with Dave.

And he didn’t mind it at all.

That was until Dave was gone.

He’d never felt so bare as he did without Dave.


	5. its my party and i’ll be naked if i want to (naked if i want to) and you would be naked too, if it happened to you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> once more two chapters in one night? yes. listen. i've had some alcohol so its getting posted now. deal with it. i tried to hold off and i made photo edits of tua on my tumblr but no, had to write _some more_.

Klaus was in search of Dave. It wasn’t unheard of that Klaus would wake up without his ghost boyfriend beside him, but it never happened enough for it to be _the norm_. In fact, Klaus didn’t see Ben either, or any of his other siblings.

Just the other ghosts _who didn’t shut up, who didn’t leave him alone, who hated him, who wanted more from him than they could give, who--_

Dave would be lovely.

So would some drugs but he had to choose between Dave and drugs. 

Dave won every time.

So here Klaus was, wandering the house, searching for Dave and his frown deepening with each room Dave was not in. Dave wasn’t where he usually haunted (Klaus’s side), or his other typical haunts. 

Then Klaus entered one of the main livingrooms, a room that Dave had no need to go into unless he was following Klaus around, and then he saw _everyone_. Dave, Ben, the others.

“Oh my god you are fully naked,” Diego declared.

Klaus shrugged, “I sleep naked, what do you want from me?”

“Some pants,” Five said.

“Or a skirt,” Allison added with a shared look with Klaus.

“What does it matter?” Klaus yawned, stretching and ignoring the groans. “Not like none of you haven’t seen me naked.”

“Why do you have no decency?” Luther asked, as if he was horrified at the idea. “We have a--”

“It’s the ghosts.” Klaus shrugged, finally looking around the room and seeing balloons and cucumber sandwiches. “What’s going on?”

“What do you mean it's the ghosts?” Vanya asked.

Klaus glanced at her, then to Dave, back at her, “There has _always_ been ghosts.”

“Yeah?” Diego said, obviously confused as to how that means Klaus would be fine walking around naked.

“ _Always_. If I’m sober they don’t leave me alone. Not everyone is as nice as Dave and Ben,” Klaus blew Dave a kiss. “I eat? _Ghosts._ I have quiet time reading? _Ghosts_. I take a shower? A bath? _Ghosts._ I take a shit? _Ghosts_. I try to sleep? You guessed it, _ghosts._ ”

“You’ve never been alone,” Allison said, sounding distraught.

Klaus shrugged, “Not until I broke my jaw. I wasn’t the only one quiet during those eight weeks.”

“The drugs,” Five said softly.

“I never had the chance to learn that it’s, _apparently_ , not okay to be seen naked. Your eyes on my dick doesn’t bother me. At least you aren’t pedophile ghosts making comments when I’m eight years old,” Klaus grabbed a cucumber sandwich and took a bite. The crunch was loud. “So why? Are we having a party?”

“You’ve been sober for six months,” Allison whispered. “We thought we’d celebrate with a surprise party.”

“Then you can’t yell at me for showing up naked. That’s on you for the surprise.” Klaus barked out a laughter as he finished the sandwich, “Surprise for all of us! Surprise Klaus! It’s a party! Surprise party! Klaus is naked.”

He looked around and everyone looked distraught and sad. Klaus grabbed a balloon and tapped it up into the air, waiting for it to fall on Diego’s head. Diego glared at him and Klaus raised an eyebrow, “I’ll win a game of keep away because of my tits out look.” The others gave small smiles to that. “C’mon! I thought this was a party! While I haven’t partied much in the last six months, y’all have a lot to learn!”

It took a few more jokes and Klaus shoving a few more cucumber sandwiches in his mouth, but the party eventually got started and no one said anything about him being naked.

Well,

No.

Dave did.

Later.

And Klaus was a-okay with that.

**Author's Note:**

> obliqueoptimism @ tumblr


End file.
